{"id":446,"date":"2020-02-08T05:49:34","date_gmt":"2020-02-08T05:49:34","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/?p=446"},"modified":"2020-02-08T05:49:34","modified_gmt":"2020-02-08T05:49:34","slug":"the-emotional-side-of-downsizing-dealing-with-denial","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/the-emotional-side-of-downsizing-dealing-with-denial\/","title":{"rendered":"The Emotional Side of Downsizing — Dealing with Denial"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/b>Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance<\/em> are well known as the five stages of grief. After a decade of helping people downsize and declutter, I\u2019ve come to realize that many people go through these stages as they downsize, as well.<\/p>\n

Over the next few newsletters, we\u2019ll follow a real couple as they negotiate these stages going through the downsizing process.
\n______
\nThe call came through just after Thanksgiving:
\n\u201cI got your name from our realtor. My husband\u2019s mother passed away unexpectedly two months ago.\u00a0We really need help cleaning out her house.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m so sorry. How\u2019s your husband doing?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t think it\u2019s hit him yet,\u201d the woman replied. \u201cHe\u2019s in denial.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDealing with the unexpected death of a parent is hard enough,\u201d I told her. \u201cWhen you’ve also got to\u00a0clean out their house, it\u2019s easy to go into major denial and just push away the whole thing.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cHe thought we could do it ourselves, but there\u2019s no way,\u201d she said. \u201cWe’ve already spent a week there, and we haven’t begun to make a dent. We’re in Los Angeles. His mom’s house is in the Bay Area. We both work and we have two little kids. I can’t deal with going back. And I don’t want her stuff!\u00a0He doesn\u2019t know I called you. I don\u2019t know what else to do.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s OK,\u201d I told her. \u201cI can help you. And you did the right thing.\u201d
\n_______
\nDenial is the first stage in the process of grief. It\u2019s also the first stage that many downsizers go through,<\/strong> whether they\u2019re downsizing under duress, or not.<\/p>\n

First, there is the denial that one has the responsibility to downsize at all<\/strong>. That\u2019s what put this couple, I\u2019ll call them Dan and Donna, in the position of having to clear out his mom\u2019s home in the first place. Had Dan\u2019s mom taken responsibility for paring down a lifetime\u2019s collection of stuff, her son would have been able to spend this time mourning her passing \u2013 not clearing out her house.<\/p>\n

If you think letting go of your things is too hard for you to do, just remember that it will be many times more difficult for someone else to take on after you\u2019re gone.<\/p>\n

Second, there is the denial regarding the amount of time and planning downsizing takes. <\/strong>Many people think that downsizing is just a matter of jumping in and getting it done. But proceeding without a plan, which Dan was beginning to do, only creates confusion and chaos.<\/p>\n

Third, there is the denial of what\u2019s really important. <\/strong>Downsizing brings up all sorts of emotions. (Even more so when those things are what remains after a person is gone.) The challenge for most downsizers is to decide which items have real personal<\/em> value to you, keep those things, and let go of the rest.<\/p>\n

Since the majority of Dan\u2019s mom\u2019s \u201cstuff\u201d was purchased after he left home, he didn\u2019t have a emotional attachment\u00a0to most her things. He was attached to getting good prices\u00a0for his mom\u2019s extensive store of china,\u00a0oriental rugs and original art.
\n_______
\nI reassured Donna that\u00a0I could create a plan and process that would keep Dan on track without her needing to be involved. The only catch — she’d have to convince him first.<\/p>\n

When Donna told Dan about her conversation with me, he initially insisted that he (they) could do it on his (their) own. But when she made clear that, given their kids\u2019 school and sports schedules, she didn\u2019t have the time, energy or emotional reserve to be his partner in this process, he acknowledged he couldn’t do it alone. Ultimately, he\u00a0agreed to having me help.<\/p>\n

A week later he drove up to the Bay Area from LA, and we got the process started. Dan had just taken his first step out of denial. But that was just the beginning…<\/p>\n

NEXT: <\/strong>Dealing with disappointment when things don\u2019t go as planned.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance are well known as the five stages of grief. After […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":447,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[9,19,22],"class_list":["post-446","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-declutter","tag-cleaning-out-parents-home","tag-downsizing-parents","tag-grief"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/446","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=446"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/446\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/447"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=446"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=446"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/onthemovenow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=446"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}